Hm. What’s up? Went to DC for the first time in a couple decades. Kinda weird saying that, but I think the last time I was there, I was seven. Was in town for a friend’s wedding, which was great. Got to see the Lincoln Memorial, and stand where MLKJr. stood when he gave his “I Have a Dream,” speech. Powerful.
It was a great weekend, spent hanging out with great friends, revelling in our friend’s happiness, and hanging out with each other. What could be better?
Ah, there was watching one of my friends getting beat up by his giant, misanthropic neanderthal of a girlfriend. I know it’s sort of weird, seeing that written, but this insane psychotic idiot, who has somehow attached herself to an otherwise pretty reasonable guy needs to be forcibly separated from him, forever. It’s strange – the two of them have been dating for a couple years now, and I doubt if past the first week or two, if I’ve ever seen them in a state of anything other than abject misery. But until this weekend, that was sort of beside the point. If he was happy, even if she was a manic depressive, miserable shit, it was their business, and his horrible judgement that was keeping them together. Far be it for me to say, hey, stop hanging out with someone who’s perpetually in a horrible mood, who’s painful to hang out with, and who basically ruins any situation they get anywhere near. It’s his choice, he can do what he wants.
But this weekend changed that. At the wedding, in a side room where I suspect they didn’t expect anyone would see them, through a window, a few of us happened to see her flip out and start chasing him around the room. The next morning, he showed up to hang out with scratches on his face. When asked what had happened, he said that the GF got mad, but they, “worked it out.” Bullshit, and we all know it.
What strikes me as odd about the whole situation is that there have been many times in my life where action has been required. Immediate action. I’ve saved a few people as a lifeguard, I helped keep a house from burning down last year. These were situations were something was wrong, and immediately, without thinking, I did what I thought needed to be done. In this situation, the same trigger popped, when I saw what was going on, but nothing happened. I just stood there, dumbfounded. In some weird retrospect, I wanted to have run into the room, and told the psycho bitch that I would call the cops and have her arrested if she didn’t leave, on foot, right that instant. But I didn’t. I suppose maybe I hoped it would work out, or something? But it never will.
What do you do in a situation like this? Where you *know* what is going on, but for some reason, it doesn’t feel right to say anything? How do you approach a situation like this? What do you say?
Basically, you’re in no position to do jack shit. It sucks, but you’re really in no position to intervene in their relationship because it’s none of your business.
However, you can intervene on behalf of your relationship. That is, if your friend lies to you about something, you can call him on it. If he says, “it worked out.” You can say, “don’t lie to me, man. I can see from the scratches on your face that it didn’t.”
He’ll get defensive an assure you that it really, really did work out, but you need to say something like, “look. Your issues with your girlfirend are your business, but if you try to bullshit me, I’m not going to act like that’s O.K.”
Resist the temptation to argue that his situation really is O.K. Just assert it, and then move on. Don’t engage in an argument about whether his relationship is screwed up because you’ll lose since you, inevitably, will start arguing about their relationship. Something that isn’t your business and will only piss your friend off (or he’ll tell the GF your criticisms and then all hell will break lose).
By taking this approach, your friend will either stop telling you stuff, but he’ll _know_ you are aware of his problems, or he’ll start telling you the truth. If it’s the former, there is a risk he’ll stop talking to you altogether because he won’t want to face you and essentially, the truth. I would say that’s a low risk.
If it’s the latter, then he will also likely solicit feedback, in which case, you’ll have a whole ‘nother set of problems to conted with …
I think that is really sage advice and may be the best way to go. The only problem is that it is over-stating the case originally to say the guy is otherwise reasonably sane. He is otherwise reasonably *nice*, but he’s not reasonably sane. I’m not convinced I didn’t see him shove and handle the gf pretty hard himself — possibly 100% of it was in self-defense, but it was not clear enough for me to say so decisively.
I think your advice is totally sane, and definitely an appropriate viewpoint, but I don’t agree with it.
Here’s the problem – this was physcical abuse. My friend can be an idiot, but I’m confident he didn’t respond physically. Contrary to eingy’s view, I believe I only saw him move backwards, and protect his head. I may be wrong, and there may have been an interchange, but what I saw, I thought I saw pretty clearly. Beyond that, I have no idea what happens between the two of them. Still, beside the point.
For me, it became clear when I stripped the sitation of who was in it. My friend’s a guy – not a small guy, not defenseless. His GF’s a beast, but not overly huge – maybe 5’10” or slightly taller. She weighs more than him, without a doubt. But they’re pretty evenly matched. So when you look at them, there’s not one that’s obviously in a position of power over the other. So, I think it becomes pretty easy to say, “whatever,” because neither of them is in danger of being physically overwhelmed by the other, to the point of fearing for say, their life.
BUT, that can change on a dime, given a knife, or a gun, or something similar. And given how violent a reaction this woman had to something as stupid as my friend not dancing during the last dance, I question, quite seriously, whether she has the capacity to prevent herself from causing grievous physical harm to my friend.
To that end, I don’t think it’s not my business. I feel I have a responsibility to him to ensure his safety. If a female friend of mine were caught in an abusive relationship with a large male, I don’t believe it would be appropriate for me to say, “Well, it’s her business. Those bruises are her problem.”
I used to be a lifeguard. While working there, if *anyone* came to the pool with obvious signs of abuse, I was legally required to report it. I became liable for them. People I didn’t know, or didn’t give a rat shit about. This is my friend, who I’ve known for more than two decades.
If he got stabbed tomorrow over not doing the dishes, what would I do then?
I understand where you’re coming from, and prior to this weekend, I agreed with you. I don’t anymore.
seppo
You have a very valid point, that she appears to have a history of volatility and of physical violence, which, in my experience, are the two best indicators of current or future abuse, so this is why I stand by your resolve. The fight was about much more than dancing — I overheard a decent amount while they were still in the main room — but that’s not exactly the point, I know.
When my friend was with a guy that I thought was emotionally abusive and potentially physically abusive, I dealt with it pretty badly, by just ranting all the time what an asshole he was. I knew logically that wasn’t the right thing and that I was alientating my friend, but I just couldn’t help myself.
The primary reason I agree with A_B’s approach is mainly because it seems the best way to get the friend to acknowledge and talk about the problems instead of possibly alienating him. It seems like the only way to get him away from his gf is 1) police intervention in the way of a restraining order, but without your friend’s consent, or 2) phyically locking him away from his gf. I can’t think of a third option, unless he’s willing to walk away from her. And the best way to help him walk away from her is to have him come to an understanding that this is not right.
People in abusive relationships don’t often walk away. When they do, it’s because something so horrific has happened that it’s opened their eyes to the horror of it. Either fear or codependency is to overwhelming that they will not leave. I understand your *resolve*, but the question is, how do you go about it? What is the best way? Well, maybe the best way would be to have him go on a long, long vacation somewhere where is can think and be alone and function as a separate entity from her… but I’m not sure how that could be arranged. *sigh* Anyway, it’s a big mess.
I agree with both of you that there’s not really a lot *I* can do right away, other than take A_B’s approach, tell him that I know, and hope that he’s responsive. And that’s likely going to be exactly what I do. Well, one of the gang, someone who’s known this particular friend longer than anyone, whose word will hopefully have the most weight, is going to talk to him. But I wish, I suppose, there was something I could do that was more immediate, more direct. Hell, I wish I had simply walked into the room they were fighting in. At least then he would have to acknowledge, immedaitely, that we knew what was happening. Due to vagaries of timing and availability, that friend of ours isn’t going to talk to him for another few days. Which makes it almost a week that has passed, and given our friend’s propensity for defending this psychotic bitch, I don’t doubt that distance and time gives him more leeway to dance around the issue, rather than face it head-on.
Which is a problem. And one that I’m not sure can be dealt with. But the question, then, is if the one-on-one conversation isn’t effective, what next? It would be possible, quite literally, to get every single person that this guy cares about, other than the GF, into a room together, and every single one would deliver the same message. Would he feel alienated and surrounded, and possibly betrayed? Maybe. But at the same time, *something* has to break through this barrier he’s put up.
seppo
Sadly, intervening during the actual wedding reception might have been worse, as it would have gotten more people involved and potentially permanently tainted the memories for the lovely people who got married. 🙁 There was no one clear path in this case. 🙁
You should invite them over.
I can fall on her if you’d like.
Warmest wishes for the season,
The Wall
Boy, would I ever!
seppo