Been in a bit of a funk the last few days – mostly since I went to the ER for this bronchitis thing. The worst part is that I don’t know whether it’s genuine, or whether it’s drug-induced. The doc said that the steroids they gave me would make me moody, but it’s been a couple days since the really heavy dosages, and I doubt if the Azmacort is having a really strong effect on my mood. Maybe, I dunno.

But the problem is, I can’t tell, and I can’t trust my own judgement at this point. Normally, I know how I feel and why. Sometimes, I’m off in the intensity of my reactions to things, but by and large, at least I know who I am. Right now, I can’t tell why I feel like I do, and whether they’re genuine reactions, or simply a drug-distorted reaction to things.

Mostly, it’s a sense of dissatisfaction with things right now. The house is getting a little overwhelming, and the money issues associated with the various expenses have been pretty rough the last few months. So, sort of struggling in that regard. Then, there’s work – I’m now the last OE from last year working still in any capacity as an OE on our team. Everyone else has either fully moved to a different position, a different team, or left EA altogether. So it sort of sucks being the last of a friendly, tightly-knit group of people that worked really well together, and feeling like a foreigner every day I’m at work.

Reminds me of being half Japanese, half Finnish. When in the US, I’m clearly “other” – less so than elsewhere, but the ethnic ambiguity definitely colors the way people react to you, even if only in very small but still perceptible ways. Still – that’s nothing compared to going to Japan. Even in my family’s home, I’m definitely a foreigner – no – an *outsider*, and always will be, even if I were to do my best to interalize and adopt Japanese culture. Even worse in Finland, where I’m even less attuned to, or familiar with the cultural differences. I guess I feel like a foreigner at work, as well.

It’s sort of strange, too, the primary reason why I feel that way right now. It’s because most of the other people at work are fucking hilarious. Clever witticisms, random goofing around, etc. abound. Most people there are relatively extroverted, or just plain funny. I tend a bit towards hermit-like behaviour, and frankly, I’m not a very funny guy. So, if say, the lead animator comes up, and cracks a joke, I often find myself at a loss as to how to respond. Where one of the other animators might concoct an elaborate followup to whatever it is that was done, I just kinda sit there like a chump.

I dunno. I mean, it sorta sucks. It’s like going to a party where everyone’s cool, and realizing that you’re the square. The one guy who’s still leaning up against the wall, while everyone’s out dancing. Maybe part of it is up to me, to get out on the floor – but another part of me simply wants to be me, and feel like I’m part of the team, the way I did last year. I dunno.

But then again, maybe it’s just the drugs talking. I just have no idea.