Been in a bit of a funk the last few days – mostly since I went to the ER for this bronchitis thing. The worst part is that I don’t know whether it’s genuine, or whether it’s drug-induced. The doc said that the steroids they gave me would make me moody, but it’s been a couple days since the really heavy dosages, and I doubt if the Azmacort is having a really strong effect on my mood. Maybe, I dunno.

But the problem is, I can’t tell, and I can’t trust my own judgement at this point. Normally, I know how I feel and why. Sometimes, I’m off in the intensity of my reactions to things, but by and large, at least I know who I am. Right now, I can’t tell why I feel like I do, and whether they’re genuine reactions, or simply a drug-distorted reaction to things.

Mostly, it’s a sense of dissatisfaction with things right now. The house is getting a little overwhelming, and the money issues associated with the various expenses have been pretty rough the last few months. So, sort of struggling in that regard. Then, there’s work – I’m now the last OE from last year working still in any capacity as an OE on our team. Everyone else has either fully moved to a different position, a different team, or left EA altogether. So it sort of sucks being the last of a friendly, tightly-knit group of people that worked really well together, and feeling like a foreigner every day I’m at work.

Reminds me of being half Japanese, half Finnish. When in the US, I’m clearly “other” – less so than elsewhere, but the ethnic ambiguity definitely colors the way people react to you, even if only in very small but still perceptible ways. Still – that’s nothing compared to going to Japan. Even in my family’s home, I’m definitely a foreigner – no – an *outsider*, and always will be, even if I were to do my best to interalize and adopt Japanese culture. Even worse in Finland, where I’m even less attuned to, or familiar with the cultural differences. I guess I feel like a foreigner at work, as well.

It’s sort of strange, too, the primary reason why I feel that way right now. It’s because most of the other people at work are fucking hilarious. Clever witticisms, random goofing around, etc. abound. Most people there are relatively extroverted, or just plain funny. I tend a bit towards hermit-like behaviour, and frankly, I’m not a very funny guy. So, if say, the lead animator comes up, and cracks a joke, I often find myself at a loss as to how to respond. Where one of the other animators might concoct an elaborate followup to whatever it is that was done, I just kinda sit there like a chump.

I dunno. I mean, it sorta sucks. It’s like going to a party where everyone’s cool, and realizing that you’re the square. The one guy who’s still leaning up against the wall, while everyone’s out dancing. Maybe part of it is up to me, to get out on the floor – but another part of me simply wants to be me, and feel like I’m part of the team, the way I did last year. I dunno.

But then again, maybe it’s just the drugs talking. I just have no idea.

I dunno if I spelled that right. But what I’m talking about is the whole concept of “home improvement”. It’s like rolling a rock up a hill, over and over and over again. We got the two bedrooms drywalled, finally, and painted. They’re a sort of sage-y green, with white trim, and they look pretty decent. A little more intense green than I’d hoped for, but not the Lime Nightmare(tm) of our friends Uyen & Charles’ first attempt at a green room.

Tonight, I fixed a couple outlets in Joe’s room, which worked, but had somehow or another gotten hosed – all it took was replacing the fixtures, and making sure all the wires were tightly attached. In the other room, which isn’t completely under the “new” wiring yet, there’s only one working outlet, and the light. So, new power lines need to be pulled to the outlets in this room, but I *believe* that there’s either a junction box at the top of the room or the bottom. I don’t remember which, but it’s somewhere reasonably accessible – it just needs to be hooked up.

Still have the goddamned clog in the bathroom to work on (hopefully, will get a snake at the Oakland tool rental library tomorrow, then tackle the actual problem a little later in the week), as well as the persistent leaky windows at the front of the house, and a leak in the back corner that we only found when Colin moved out of the room, and left the walls exposed. The back corner of the roof had been leaking pretty badly, and it shows in the walls. Fortunately, I had seen the problem outside a couple months before, and the original installers of the roof came out, and supposedly fixed it. The problem is, we won’t *know* whether it’s been fixed until it rains again heavily, which isn’t likely to happen for *months*.

So, undoubtedly, when the rain comes, once again, we’ll have this problem to deal with, and it’ll potentially cause damage to the work we just did. But still, it was work that had to be done, and now was the time to do it. But it just feels like there’s always so much more, that I could devote myself entirely to working on the house full time for six months, and there would *still* be thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of potential repair to be done, both on the exterior, and on little cosmetic details.

It just feels never-ending. Each step is a step in the right direction, but every once in a while, I accidentally look up, and realize I’m really, really far from the finish.

Despite my displeasure at my N-Gage crapping out, I’ve gotta say that the QD is a substantial improvement, in terms of form factor. Changing games is a snap, but more than that, everything about the look & feel of the N-Gage has undergone a substantial upgrade (except for the menu icons, which are bizarrely, only like, four-color). The buttons feel better, the weird button-in-the-d-pad is gone, and it’s smaller, and feels sturdier.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/06/03/human.traffic/index.html

Apparently, we’re accusing other countries of not doing enough to stop human trafficking, which Condoleeza Rice is labelling “modern slavery.”

Which I think is absolutely correct, without a doubt, the proper thing to call it. However, I think it is somewhat odd that CNN also has this article:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/05/09/real.delay/

which addresses the fact that Tom DeLay has actually encouraged the practice of “modern slavery,” and praised Saipan’s “businessmen” as what’s good and proper about Mr. DeLay’s view of America.

How do these people sleep at night?

Undoubtedly, on beds stuffed with money. I just wish that they’d burn in hell instead.

I realize I’m just setting myself up for some sort of irony, but for the most part, the steroids seem to really be beating the crap out of my bronchitis. I’m coughing a bit here at work, but after a *solid* eight hours of sleep, I don’t have a damn thing to complain about. I almost wept out of happiness, when I woke up this morning and saw the clock.