Generally, when poeple pay me compliments, I find it very hard to internalize what they mean without being quite paranoid about context, or subtext, or whether there are ulterior motives involved, or how truthful the person’s being.
As a result, I often undercut the compliment, in my mind, by figuring that it’s not likely truly *sincere*, but rather, laced with … something else. Anything from a desire to simply be courteous, to buttering me up for something else, or trying to compensate for something else, or whatever. Depends on the situation, but I find it very, very rare that I completely internalize a compliment of any sort without first making it so laden with caveats that its significance is all but stripped away.
Today, though, I got one of the most meaningful compliments of my entire professional career. One of the other designers on the game came by my cube, unsolicited, and said he’d had fun with the food system in the game, and had been playing around with it last night. Said he found the “ultimate” combination, for him, and now never deviates from it, but even that illuminated that the system works, because even though the ingredient unlock mechanic’s broken, his “ultimate” combination requires the most expensive items in the game to unlock.
He’s also the kind of person who I feel gives out unsolicited compliments rarely, and that he took his time to come over to my cube and tell me he had fun with something I designed was really, truly excellent. I’ve said I’m proud of the food system design, but this was the first time I really *felt* it. Maybe it was insignificant to him, maybe … whatever – but the fact that he said it was enough for me to believe him, and it definitely boosted my spirits.
But it’s strange – I’ve had people who have much more *personal* significance, who know me much better than this guy does, who I care about much more meaningfully and deeply say things that are much more heartfelt and … significant, and mentally, I almost always simply discount what they’re saying. Which, of course, is strange, because when *I* tell people that they’re awesome, I expect them to understand that I’m being sincere, since I never, ever tell people who aren’t awesome that they are. But still, as much as I can intellectually say that I should accept a compliment from someone close to me on its face, I simply can’t. Not that I have a choice in the matter, either – I simply can’t make myself *believe* what they’re saying, even if I’d trust them with my life.
It’s more or less always been like this, I think. Criticism is always sincere, harsh words are always substantive and meaningful, even when intellectually, I *know* that they’re not. Positive things, feedback, nice words, thoughtfulness is *always* insincere, not meaningful, in the service of an ulterior motive, even when I *know* they’re not. It’s as though something in my brain forces me to think the worst of myself, even when intellectually, I know certain things are simply not true. I don’t mean to say that I should believe all positive things said about me, or that my desire is to be a sucker who believes everything that’s said about them. But I wish I could see things honestly, and sometimes let something nice simply pass through unfiltered, and internalize that I *am* good at certain things, and that I do have certain strengths.
My dad (who sometimes reads this blog) often says really, truly wonderful things about me. Some of which I know are true, some of which I find impossible to believe. He also has a very *realistic* view of what I can and can’t do, when he actually sits down to tell me about things, and I think that often, he’s correct. (Sometimes, he’s also completely crazy and wrong, but I’m generally pretty good at making that particular judgement.) The thing is, that even when he says nice, considered, considerate things about me, I find it hard to really internalize, even though I trust his judgement on *so many things*. Similarly, every once in a blue, blue, blue moon, my mom says something incredibly touching. I still have a note from her that says, “I’m proud of you,” in my box of little personal notes I’ve kept over the years from various people. When I first got it, I burst into uncontrollable tears.
I still don’t really necessarily *believe* it, deep down – there’s always a part of me that feels the times that my parents are disappointed in me are significant, and the times they’re proud of me aren’t. The times I make mistakes are the things that people remember, and the successes are the thigns that people forget. I think if I could internalize some of the nicer things, I could have a better mental image of what sorts of thigns I’m genuinely capable of, and as a result, actually have a stronger picture of what my weaknesses actually *are*. Right now, I think I tend towards such insecurity and paranoia that I have a really skewed internal image of what I can trust myself to do and what I can’t – where the edge of the envelope is, as it were.
I dunno. I suppose I’m just sort of rambling right now – I certainly don’t feel like I have any serious conclusions to draw – that I can trust a compliment paid by a coworker whose opinion I value highly, but who has relatively low personal significance to me (in the grand scheme of things), but I can’t trust a compliment paid by my own father, whose opinions I value highly, and who knows me better than almost anyone else alive? Or, even, by my fiancee?
It’s strange – the little weird mental barrier I’ve built up, almost with the sole purpose of keeping me feeling like shit about myself. Why not listen to the nice things, and take them with a grain of salt, but at least *take them* instead of cutting them down in my mind to the point where they reinforce the bad qualities, and negate the good? I dunno. Can I will myself to believe the nice things people say?
“We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I’m no different.” (Leonard Shelby, in Memento)
… spelling intentional on the title, incidentally.
This is something that has been impossible for me not to notice about you over the years we’ve been together. And it is really wrenching to observe.
It’s almost like I want to say something about false humility being bad for the soul, but the truth is that this isn’t even false humility. It not even just that you have bad self-esteem. It’s really as you said: you put greater value on criticism than on praise, no matter the context or intent with which it was given.
It’s really important to know yourself. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t be happy with yourself or know what can be made better.
You say you can’t force yourself, but you can. You have to make the huge mental leap over the hurdle that says that you can’t force yourself. You can see how you can get stuck in a recursive loop here. Heh. You know how to logically weigh other issues in your mind — there is no reason other than habit and possibly fear that you can’t do this with your own self-assessment or others’ assement of you.
You can.
Also, I think that the compliment really kicked ass. That is totally the kind of compliment that I’d love at work. It would be great if someone just walked up to me out of the blue and told me how awesome the feature I worked on was. Woo!
Also, I don’t mean to say that you can do it right away. I mean rather that once you remove the sense of impossibility of getting beyond it, then it’s a matter of eventually, gradually, and painfully working towards your goal. It’s mostly about removing the sense that you can’t do anything about it that is paramount to your success.
Wow, I sound like a cheesy motivational speaker, even though I am being sincere and honest about what I think will work.
I charge $200/hr for personalized motivational talks. No checks, please. Visa & MC accepted.
Makes perfect sense to me. A compliment is like a review, but about you.
You probably wouldn’t be especially impressed with, say, a recommendation for a fishing vacation given by a fisherman. Of course he liked it. He likes fishing.
Same goes for friends/family paying you compliments. Having a friend means that they’ve already decided they like you. Pointing out any particular reason why they’ve chosen to do so is somewhat uninteresting.
Criticism, however, is actionable. If I say there’s something I like about you, what can you do? That’s a situation that gives you no useful information. You just continue on as before. If I say something negative, it’s useful to internalize it because you can do something about it.
That mental barrier is useful. It keeps you striving for self- improvement, and away from egotism. Just be sure you don’t let yourself get too down. The friends you have represent the most meaningful unspoken compliments there are.
“The friends you have represent the most meaningful unspoken compliments there are.”
True, that. Definitely.
“The friends you have represent the most meaningful unspoken compliments there are.”
Fuck! As if I couldn’t feel worse about myself! 😉
In any case, I think a lot of people are similar to Seppo in his reaction to compliments (this is how I avoid saying that he and I are dopplegangers). The criticisms are easier to believe or appreciate over the compliments.
While I agree, to a certain exent with Anonymous’ comment, I find that oftentimes, the criticism is no more actionable than the compliment.
However, I _choose_ to make it actionable, regardless. Or rather, I choose to act upon it and investigate ways for improvement.
For example, a compliment on work might be, “nice job.” Or a criticism might be, “redo it.” Those are pretty typical, I think, of good and bad comments people get. In my experience, substantive responses are rare.
But, I have to say that substantive criticisms, which are actionable, are more frequent.
Who the hell is Anonymous?!?
Moving on.
I think positive comments are also actionable. For example, my boss recently pointed out that he thinks I have everything it would take to be a technology leader in a company (project lead, vp of engineering, cto, that kind of thing). That is an aspect of my personality that I was much more in touch with 10 years ago than I am now, and having heard it I am now actively thinking about pursuing that kind of career goal.
Sometimes when someone gives you a compliment or a criticism they aren’t telling you something you didn’t already know. But sometimes they are, and you should internalize that information at those times. Take action if so desired.