I have no idea whether that’s an official psychological term, or not. I’ve been using it for a couple years, to try to describe a sense of persistent, focused negativity I feel towards a particular person. Thing is, the focus of that negativity is quite variable – it’s something I almost always feel in either an explicitly cooperative, *or* competitive setting. The competitive one is pretty straightforward – I’m trying to beat you, therefore, it’s not in my interests to think well of you.

The other one’s a bit stranger, but I have to admit that it’s a pretty consistent factor in most work environments I’ve been in. I’ve almost always found *someone* in my day-to-day work interactions that I can basically focus on as the cause of the majority of the various things that are wrong with the work environment. Thing is, when that “problem has been solved,” it just shifts to the next person – the reason it feels like a “complex,” and not just disgruntlement with a particular coworker.

I think the problem is that I expect a lot out of people I work with. I don’t want this to sound egotistical, but what I *want* out of a coworker is someone who’s on my level. They’ve got to both care about, or be as into the thing as me, and they’ve got to be as smart, or as fast as I am. In some sense, maybe it’s part of the competitive aspect of the feeling – if you’re not an asset, in some sense, you’re an enemy, and must be excised.

It’s a difficult situation, because I wonder if I’ll ever be satisfied. Of course, I know that’s not the case, because I *have* had work arrangements where I lost the nemesis – where I respected, and enjoyed working with everyone on the team. Those teams are usually ones where I’m a junior member, though, because the people that are more experienced teach me – they have value to me. I wonder what happens when/if I surpass them… what then? Are they then baggage that needs to be cast aside?

I think the problem is that I’ve never been someone who goes to work from 9 to 5, and doesn’t really give a shit about the outcome of my work day. I expect people to be as good or better than me – of course, that introduces the question, what do *they* then think about *me*? I dunno. I dunno if it’s a thing, or something I really need to *deal* with, or whether it’s just a matter of channelling that energy into something productive, or if even the whole thing *is* productive, because it’s really focused strongly on excising what I feel is “dead weight” on a project.

The thing that’s bad about it is that it makes it very hard to work with people I feel are inferior. In a sense, it all becomes personal – by not being an asset to the team, I find them personally offensive.

Yes, this is my current attitude at work, and if you’re reading this, no, it’s not you. 🙂