Gonna throw something out there I’m quite ashamed of, because I’m curious if it’s just me. If it is, hoo-boy, I’m screwed.

You know when people you know get something you want? Often, when I feel like my first reaction should be, “Congratulations to them! I’m so happy for their success!” instead it’s, “Why not me?” I’ve done stuff like that. Why do they get public recognition and plaudits? Bah! This world is unfair. This is bullshit.

It’s not a huge, loud part of my brain that does this. But for many. many, MANY years, it was always there. A friend got a promotion? Why not me? A friend got a raise? Why not me? A friend won some award? Why not me?

And usually, it’s “Why not me?” with the attitude of “I’m just as qualified for it why not me!” instead of “What is it that they’ve done that I haven’t, that enabled them to get this thing that I want?”

Yeah, I don’t feel good about that. Most of the time I’d do the socially acceptable thing and feign happiness, but there was always that edge of jealousy there.

It’s only been in the last decade-ish that that’s changed. Where I could feel genuine happiness for my friends, and for people I know, who achieved this sort of thing and that jealous goblin in my mind was gone.

It’s taken a lot to realize that 1.) Their success does not diminish me. 2.) Whatever it is they achieved they achieved and I didn’t *for a reason*, and if it’s something that I wanted, being bitter about it doesn’t do anything, I need to turn the lens inward and examine why I haven’t done what was necessary to get what I wanted. 3.) I can be genuinely, wholly happy for other people *even if* they have beaten me to an exclusive goal.

The jealousy did two bad things: First, it made me feel bad. But second, and much, much worse, it was a way to believe that I didn’t need to *do* anything differently. That the world was unjust, and I deserved to be bitter. The thing that changed was a realization that I was jealous because they got something I wanted because they *did something I didn’t*.

And that then leads to two paths: Either I need to understand that I need to change to get the thing I want – growth – or I need to realize that I *won’t do* what they did to get this thing, and therefore, I don’t need to be jealous about it. Some people will work 80 hour weeks and never see their kids. They’ll have a lovely vacation house. I won’t make that trade, and so I can’t be jealous about it.

Now, when I see friends who are successful by any definition, I don’t feel that twang of jealousy. I can be genuinely, wholly happy for them. They can post their awesome vacation photos and I don’t wish I was there instead of them – I wish I was there *with* them. 😀 Or I can think, “What is it that I need to do to achieve what they have?” and not have it be about tearing them down, but about re-examining what I need to build myself up.

Like I said – I’m not proud of that part of me. But it existed. Maybe it exists in you, too.