So… another friend of mine from college passed away. I’m not gonna write anything specifically about him, because we’ve been asked not to. But it makes me examine my reaction to the news. I’d gotten news a couple weeks ago that it looked like something bad had happened, but it was only today that we got confirmation. I think part of the reason I feel so… distant from it is simply that the news from a few weeks ago was pretty likely the end of it. Chances of a different outcome were slim, at best.

I felt terrible then, but because it wasn’t *conclusive*, I think it was easier to say, “Later, I’ll feel bad. There’s still hope.” Now, knowing that there isn’t, I feel like, “Well, that seemed likely from the news weeks ago.” It’s terrible. It hasn’t sunk in what’s happened, though academically, I can certainly understand it.

When my other friend died, I felt quite similar. My response was almost, “Oh. That’s terrible news,” move on with life. A month or so later, it hit me like a wall – I have no idea why.

I guess part of me wonders whether it’s a hard-wired reaction – that maybe in times of bad news, some people just have to not respond to the news. Maybe I’m just trying to justify my lack of emotional response. I don’t know.

I will say this about my friend – I never felt like I really knew him. There are some people who are so effervescent, so enthusiastic, and so positive that I feel like they’re seeing a different world than I am. I think knowing someone who sees the world so differently than you is a great thing – and when I say I don’t think I ever knew him, it’s simply that he was so different than me that I could never imagine seeing the world in the same way he did.

Another friend of mine at one point in college said that it’s the differences that make friendships interesting – that it’s the surprise, and the challenge that makes these friendships worthwhile.

He was someone who could genuinely see the best in people, and I feel like he loved the process of living more than almost anyone else I know. He was one of those guys who cared when you were down, did his best to bring you up, and… I don’t know. I don’t know what it’s like to really love everyone that unabashedly. But knowing him showed me there are people like that out there, and that such a worldview is possible. I’ll miss that.

I’ll miss him.

(Edit – this was published recently, but originally written in 2007)