Welp. Another one of those, “How did this realization take this long to come to?” moments.

Five years or so ago (pandemic warped time, but I think that’s still right), my neighbor passed away. Or rather, I think of the woman that passed as “my neighbors’ mother,” but it was her house. I just knew her kids (who are all significantly older than me) better than I knew her. They invited me to her funeral.

I appreciated the invite, but wasn’t sure I should go. I didn’t know her particularly well. And I felt like … maybe it wasn’t going to be a place I should be. They were black. The mom had been part of the diaspora from the south, and was a pillar of the black community in Oakland for decades. This was going to be a celebration of her life, and I wasn’t sure I’d fit in or necessarily be welcome, even though the family had invited me.

I went. It was amazing. I learned so much about this neighbor I barely knew. And about her family, which I thought I did. I was indeed welcomed, and was so glad to be able to have been a part of it, and show up for the family.

But that hesitance.

I knew most of the folks there wouldn’t look like me. Most folks didn’t share my mannerisms or history. The way I carried myself would be different. The way I talked would be different. The way I’d shake peoples’ hands, or greet them would be different. I wouldn’t know the customs. For the vast majority of folks there, I wouldn’t know how to approach them, and 100% vice versa. I didn’t know anyone else there (except a few other neighbors, who were also not black).

The thing that just hit me, and *holy cow* I feel dumb that it’s taken this long… I bet this is what every black person going to work at a company totally dominated by white people and Asians. Which is every single place I worked at in my career.

And more, while I was welcomed by the community at her funeral, and I left feeling like my fears were unfounded, that’s absolutely *not* how it turns out for a lot of black folks I know at work.

I try to be conscious of these things. I try to read and learn, and where possible, put those things into action. But making a really, really obvious connection like this took what, five years to finally realize?

So yeah. Probably a lot for me to unpack in my own mind. But I think the thing that stood out to me was that at the absolute bare minimum, you can be welcoming and excited to bring someone unlike you into your community. That went a long way for me, and I’m sure it’d go a long way for anyone in that situation. It’s not all of what you need to do, but it’s a good start.