Just ask.

I got an e-mail from a friend today, and he’d mentioned someone we both know. Happens to be my old co-founder, who I … don’t have the fondest memories of.

Hearing his name is a pretty severe trigger. Particularly when mentioned casually, more particularly affably. It brings back nearly five years of abject misery – without question, the worst period in my life.

I have friends in common with him, still, and so his name periodically comes up. When it doesn’t, I’m fine. Good, even! Generally moved on with my life, blah blah blah. When it does? It’s still sort of a red mist experience.

But because most of these folks don’t know that this makes me incredibly, deeply, fundamentally angry, I try to keep those feelings tamped down, and just get on with things.

But I’d been talking to my therapist about this, and his advice seemed sensible. Just ask them to not mention him around you.

It’s not like it’s a huge ask. But it always felt like, “I don’t want to bring people in to my trauma, or make them feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me.” Or even, “I don’t want people to realize that I’m still deeply traumatized by something that happened a *decade* ago.” It feels like I’m being petty, or broken in some way.

Which may be true! But it’s advice I’m trying to take to heart. Because it’s not a big deal to ask. If someone thinks I’m weak or silly or whatever, that’s fine. They’re telling me something important about them. Everyone else? They’ll understand and be kind.

So yeah. Just ask. It won’t be easy. It might feel dumb. But if you get what you want, it’ll make your life better. Give it a shot.