So, one of the things I’ve been thinking about recently, particularly with the new kid, is the difference in a relationship between how I perceive my own behaviour, and how someone else perceives the exact same things.

The thing that really comes to mind are moments in my own development when someone I had either thought highly of, or was in a certain position of either power or respect, said something, what kinds of things I’d latch onto.

It was often strange little things. An opinion about a band from someone who I thought was cool could get me to listen to a band I’d never otherwise have even considered. A small compliment at the right time by someone I respected, and I’d do *anything* for them. It’s not the big things, I don’t think – it’s not when someone sits you down and tells you what or how you should think – but it’s that certain people, in certain positions of my own social hierarchy, could tell me to do something and I’d do it.

And now, I wonder how much of that they were even aware of? I mean, it’s strange to me – I still think of myself as a schmoe, and I think that for the most part, people who interact with me for a while realize that, and take what I say with that certain schmoe-ness. But at the same time, if you just met me, I could conceivably sound pretty authoritative about certain subjects, and I know that I express certain opinions pretty strongly – in the kind of way that I think I responded to when I was younger. So I wonder how the kid will respond to me? What weird little offhand comments will have genuine weight, and shape his thinking, and what “meaningful” discussions slide right off.

I dunno. It’ll be weird finding out.

So, of course, things have been busy. The kid eats up a lot of time, and while I’d hoped to do a couple things this weekend, it was all a combination of kid & kid-related stuff.

We’d gotten a changing table from Ikea, but it became really clear that what we really needed were some things to store his clothes in. We’ve got a TON of clothes for the little guy, almost entirely gifts from friends and hand-me-downs, but given that we’re terrible at organizing our OWN clothes, trying to organize a bunch of baby clothes without a structured storage solution wasn’t working out so much.

So, picked up two dresser things from Ikea, assembled them, and organized a bunch of crap today. I think it’s a big improvement.

We’re also trying to use G Diapers during the day – the disposable inserts are biodegradable, and there are cloth inserts that you can also use (we have 12, which is not enough – probably need ~24 to be useful…).

The house is undergoing a pretty radical change. Our previous contractor’s incompetence has required us to basically completely tear off the front of the house and rebuild it, replacing all the rotten wood and reconstructing everything from the shear on up. Not a good time. Not good on the pocket book. That said, when it’s all said and done, the house is going to look AWESOME from the front.

Things at work are going well. We’ve got what I think is a really exciting new concept we’re working on, and Word Ace & Card Ace are getting some really important new features.

We printed up physical decks of Word Ace cards, which have almost completely sold out in less than two weeks. Fantastic, but a LOT of work getting them all shipped out.

Good times!

Tonight was one of the first times the burrito’s cried for a long time with no apparent reason. I burped him, fed him, changed him, bounced him over and over while he screamed bloody murder. It wasn’t even that long, but the biggest thing was the uncertainty – the “WTF IS GOING ON!?” feeling, since prior to this with very few exceptions, he cries for a very limited set of reasons, all of which are relatively easily addressed.

Then moments after the frustration peaked, he fell asleep. Guess he just doesn’t know how to go to sleep, but gets upset that he’s sleepy. What an idiot. 🙂

On the plus side, he had his first trips to places other than the pediatrician. Had brunch at Merritt with the usual crew, then demolished K in Street Fighter 4. 😀 After that, we headed over to A&T&a’s to meet the “a”, and then off to Bebeh’s R Us to check out a “glider” after Ei-Nyung really liked the one that A&T&a had.

Through all that, J handled it pretty well, so all told, there’s nothing to complain about if he’s frustrated for a couple hours in the evening. I know we’ve got it pretty good so far.

Tomorrow, the front of the house comes off, and we’ll probably find out how much damage these water leaks have caused. Good times.

So, bebeh’s now 1 month old, as of yesterday. It’s been an interesting month. Busy, tiring, frustrating, rewarding… all the things that everyone seems to say, and none of it really captures the feeling of it all.

I’ve been as tired as I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’ve found that with enough sleep, I can tolerate his cries for as long as need be, but with too little, I get really frustrated, and sadly, really angry, which is difficult, because I know that being angry doesn’t serve any purpose. But still, that’s part of the reaction, and learning to deal with it is part of the process.

We’re still trying to figure out how to get enough sleep to both be fully functional people, and it alternates. Last night, Ei-Nyung let me get a full, uninterrupted 9 hours of sleep. When I woke up, I nearly wept with gratitude. I wish I could do the same for her, but biology makes that a bit more difficult. Still, I do what I can.

It’s interesting watching him grow. He follows things, clearly, with his eyes. He looks at his reflection, though I have no idea what he’s thinking when he sees it. What a strange little guy. He’s sleeping now, in a sling, as I type this.

Some unsolicited advice for people who may be in a similar situation – the first month, when you’re dealing with a new addition to your family, the level of stress, of fatigue – they make everything more intense. You may feel euphoric after the slightest positive step, or you may become completely despondent over the smallest frustration. Anything that you introduce during this time is going to be heightened. If you have a poor relationship with your family or friends, now is not the time to try to mend those relationships, or even maintain them.

It’s been an interesting month. Seems like only yesterday it was just the two of us & the dog, yet also forever since he’s been here.

Tomorrow, scaffolding goes up in preparation for home repairs to hopefully fix the 8 years of leaking windows. Next week, the entire front of the house comes off. Let’s see how that goes. 🙂

Man. So, kid. Here. It’s been a couple of weeks, but things have been pretty busy. Ei-Nyung’s mom came out and helped out loads, cooking TONS of food, and hanging out with the new addition. After Ei-Nyung’s mom left, my parents showed up. My dad left for St. Petersburg a few days later, and my mom’s still here, helping out. She’ll be here for another week, and then it’s just us on our own.

It’s pretty strange, being a dad. Frustrating at times, satisfying at times, just crazy all around. People tell you that it can be really stressful, but even after taking a couple classes, you really don’t get the intensity of it all. Kid needs to eat 12, 15, or more times daily – as things ramp up, they eat a LOT – not much at any feeding, but a lot of times during the day. It’s exhausting, and the lack of sleep is a real problem.

Knowing that neither of us functions all that well under limited amounts of sleep, that was my biggest worry going in – and in the end, that fear was definitely justified. Keeping both of us rested enough that we don’t get really frustrated or upset has been one of the hardest thing.

The kid’s pretty good-natured so far. He cries when he’s hungry, gassy, or needs a change of diaper, but for the most part, he’s otherwise pretty laid back. Crying a bit more these days, and harder to get him to settle down, but still definitely bearable.

Woo. It’s all very strange. Still trying to settle in. Particularly getting back to work, definitely… whoo.

Happy, though. Kid’s healthy, growing and changing every day.

—

On a totally different note, Forza 3 = awesome. Dead Space: Extraction is fun, if simplistic, and looking forward to getting into Brutal Legend, Dragon Age, and Uncharted 2, among other things. Not that I’ll have the time, but hey. 🙂

To those that are waiting, no. No kid yet.

But an interesting thing happened last night. Pete came back. I mean, he’s been in the area for a little while, settling into his new place in Sacramento. But last night was the first time I’d seen him in a long time – couple years, maybe the first time we’ve seen him since the wedding? I don’t know. But it’s been a long time.

He was one of the few people I hung out with a lot when I was young. We spent time at my house, his house, played ping-pong, played the early Sierra adventure games, went to Berkeley together to play arcade games until we both had headaches… all kinds of things. We met, I think, in sixth grade. My first memory of him was in a vocal class? I think he was singing to himself, and I thought, “What a weird kid.”

But we became good friends – I’d consider him one of my very best. And so when I think about my youth, there are a handful of people that are part of that. Some that I’m still close with, some that I’m not. For the most part, I’ve either kept in close contact with the people I still care about, but Pete’s been a skipping stone in my life for the last 15 years.

We didn’t see each other that often, but when we did, it didn’t take much to catch up, and it never felt like any time had passed. Yet, we both changed. I met Ei-Nyung, started a career in game development, got married, bought a house, and am about to have a kid. He lived in New York, became a doctor and has had all manner of grand adventures in the time since (there are other interesting tidbits, but you’d have to ask him about them, as I won’t spoil them for you here).

So last night, we hung out. And it was like nothing’s changed. Well, that’s not right – obviously, lots has changed. But somehow, something flipped in my head last night. And I know this may be weird, but seeing Pete again – it felt like a bookend to my prolonged adolescence. My fear of the future disappeared. Fears about fatherhood, the changes that are coming in Ei-Nyung and my life, the changes that we’re all going to go through in the *next* 15 years… it became a sort of excitement and joy. And no, I can’t explain it.

But I look forward to meeting my son. I look forward to seeing him learn, and grow, and to watch him form the kinds of friendships that last a lifetime. I look forward to how Ei-Nyung and my relationship will change – one of the things that’s been good about our relationship is how we handle change, and growth – I fear the sleepless nights, and the stress – the inevitable arguments and conflict – but it’s *progress*. Towards a family – our family – surrounded by friends that I love deeply – towards the future, both in work, which has been incredible, and in life.

The last 15 years, for their little stresses and various challenges have been utterly spectacular. May the next 15 be as good.

So, it’s hard to comprehend the idea of impending fatherhood. It’s alternately exciting and horrifying, as I’m sure it is for most fathers-to-be. With some close friends already having taken the plunge, I’m glad to know that we’ll have people to rely on for a little experience and help. It’s still quite strange.

I was thinking what I would like to pass on to the child (it’s a ‘he’ if you don’t already know, and no, we don’t have a name yet – we’re not just not telling you), and the thing that kept coming to mind was simple, but also impossible to accurately convey:

“Know when to quit.”

WHOA! That’s a horrible thing to say, right? You should teach your kid to persevere, to work hard, to fight through things – that with dedication and hard work, anything is possible… right?

Well, no – I don’t think so. I mean, I’m not saying I *don’t* want to teach them dedication, hard work, perseverance – absolutely, I do. But a companion to that is to know what to focus their dedication, etc. etc. ON.

How do you explain to a kid that you should always, always work hard, try hard, stick to it, and not to give up, but also that some battles are not for you, that you can be passionate about many things, but that there is a limit, and your life might be better if you tried something else.

It seems like the kind of lesson that you learn only with experience, and an understanding of what you want in life, and how to achieve it – how to strip back the trappings of daily life, and to figure out what you really, really want, and how to let the other things go. Or how to not drive yourself crazy trying the impossible. After all, a lot of people who were great at things were also… crazy. And if they want to be great, maybe it requires a little craziness, in the end.

Maybe.

But maybe there’s also value in knowing how to focus your efforts to maximize the return. I mean, I like a lot of things. Some of which I still do, and some of which I simply don’t have time for – but finding the right balance is hard, because what you want to do and what you *can* simply don’t match up a good amount of the time.

I like cooking. A lot. But I find that one problem is that I’m ambitious. I want to cook something awesome. ALL THE TIME. And so what happens is that instead of an occasional simple meal, like a bowl of ramen, I’ll want to do something crazier, but never get to it because we don’t have the time or energy to devote that much to food preparation every night. So ingredients will go to waste, or we’ll put it off and order in, and eat worse in the end because it’s taken five years to realize that sometimes, it’s fine to just chill and make something at home that only takes five minutes.

It’s just a matter of finding balance. I know I can do almost anything if I put my mind to it, if I’m dedicated to it, if I try really hard. And for the things I realize I’m truly, deeply passionate about, I do all those things and more. But the ability to step back and say, “Maybe I don’t want this as much as I think I do,” not because you have to but because you can get that perspective…

It seems like that frees you to be great, rather than frustrated by good.

So… lots of changes since the last post. Lots of baby gear acquired. Friends held us an awesome baby shower. Work’s going well, but is often crazy. I dunno. Lots of stuff. Nervous. Scared. Excited. Can’t wait for baby to arrive, but also can. It’s all quite strange.

We ate at a really excellent restaurant Friday (and then again on Saturday, it was so good) called Commis, which is a new addition on Piedmont Ave. Ex-Manresa chef, who’s also staged @ El Bulli & The Fat Duck. Awesome food, close, really good value (for what it is), and the kind of restaurant that Oakland’s needed, but lacked, for decades. I suppose it’ll be a little while before we can go back, but I’m looking forward to it.

Looks like the 360’s drive might be giving up the ghost. Getting disc read errors like nobody’s business. Tried & failed to play both GRID and RE5 tonight because the disc wouldn’t read. Boo.

Trying to get some sleep while I can, but also ended up up until 2am every night for the last three days. Combination of nerves and… nerves, I guess. Man. I wish I wasn’t so … excitable about stuff like this. It’s no good for anyone. I fret, it does nothing, I lack sleep, and everything gets worse. Boo again. Guess I’d better get used to it… :O

Today we were beat. After crawling pathetically out of bed, we dragged ourselves to Fatboy’s for breakfast, which consisted of what appear to be the two most common foodstuffs in the area: garlic chicken and kalua pig. Not that I mind, as they’re two very excellent foods. So we ate, then came back to our place, and searched for a nearby geocache. We’d passed the area almost every day, but hadn’t been able to find the thing. But today, we looked a little harder, and found it in only a few minutes. Logged the find, then went back to the pad.

Then we slept… for HOURS.

It was hot. Very hot. I felt like I’d been crushed under a giant mass of heat – everything felt heavy, slow, and sort of molasses-y. We managed to pull ourselves out of our groggy state long enough to slog to the beach, where we bobbed around in the water, looked for honu (no luck), and watched a bunch of dogs play on the beach (adorable).

Crash, take 2, then off to Sunday dinner at the K’s for the second week in a row.

It was great – they treated us like guests, and like family. We felt very welcome, and it was strange how familiar everyone felt, even though we’d only met once the week before. (except for S & E, who we’ve met previously). S cooked up some awesome food, the rest of the people brought some excellent other food, we ate ’till we were absolutely stupid, hung out and talked for a bit longer, and then came back and completely crashed out, watched ABDC, and here we are.

All in all, a lazy day, but I guess we were just wiped out after the week. One more day to go. I think the plan’s sort of like, “eat some of the food we have at the pad, try to swing by Boots & Kimo’s, clean up, check  out, go somewhere, hang out all day, meet up with SG for dinner, drop the car off, hop on the plane, and head home on the redeye.”

Should be exciting. It’s been a great trip.

Our Saturday kicked off with leftover Mochiko Chicken from the previous night, supplemented by a pork burrito and coffee from Kalawapai Market, and a mango that the K’s gave us, then a dip in the ocean. While bobbing around, we saw a sea turtle right nearby! I chased after it for a bit, careful to keep my distance. Got to see its head pop up out of the surface less than 10 feet away. Funny little creatures.

After that, we took a little break, then headed out to Hanauma Bay for some snorkeling. Beautiful, beautiful place. Spent a couple hours at the bay, snorkeling around the really shallow coral. My favorite sighting was a big (2.5-3ft?) rainbow-colored fish that fed on the coral. It was big enough that when you swam up to it, you could hear it biting on the coral. Sounded like the “CHOMP CHOMP” you get when you eat a mouthful of Doritos. So maybe it’s the Dorito Fish.

After Hanauma, we decided to go see what was in Waikiki. On the way there, we discovered Ei-Nyung’s Home Button on her new iPhone had broken. Bleh. It’s not like we couldn’t wait to fix is at home, but it’s one of those annoyances that just gets under your skin. Since a quick search revealed an Apple store right where we were going, we figured we’d pop in and see if they could fix it. Which they did, on the spot, with no wait. Nice.

The other thing we noticed while in Waikiki was that HOLY CRAP are we glad we didn’t stay there. I dunno what it is about tourist traps, but they all look the same. And they all have a Cheesecake Factory. It may be some people’s idea of paradise, but it was my personal vision of hell on Earth. Our curiosity satisfied, we decided to get the hell out of Dodge.

Next stop was Tokkuri-Tei, for an early dinner. Ayyana had recommended the place, and while I wasn’t necessarily jonesing for Japanese food, we figured we had to make the stop. And I’m really glad we did. If you’ve been to Gochi, it’s … like Gochi. Different dishes, but a similar vibe. That type of food, at least.

They’ve apparently got some award-winning poke, though I dunno that I’d have even considered it poke. It was delicious, but the star of the meal was the yaki-ika, a squid pancake that was served like a pizza. The “weird dish” goes to the nori-chos, which were nachos made with deep-fried nori instead of chips. Without the cheese sauce, this would have been *excellent*, but the cheese sauce didn’t work for me.

Even still, the whole meal was fantastic. And if you’re in the Honolulu area, it’s definitely worth checking out.

After that, we headed to the K’s to check out their local church’s Obon festival thing, complete with EVEN MORE FOOD. When we showed up at the K’s, it turns out that they had EVEN MORE FOOD, so we had some MORE FOOD (which was awesome), and headed over to the obon. Where they had Taiko. Which is always awesome (though to varying degrees – this one was pretty darned good, though).

There was also dancing.

And “andagi,” which are apparently Okinawan donuts. Ei-Nyung was smitten by them. I thought they were pretty darned good, too. We hung out there for a bit, then headed back to Kailua, exhausted after a long day.