So, I took the P90X fit test today, with the plan to start doing the workouts by Saturday, at the latest, depending on the kid’s schedule. It seems like we’re consistently able to carve out a couple hours in the evening after the kiddo goes to sleep, so even though I’m definitely not used to working out at 10pm, if that’s what I’ve got, it’s what I’ve got.

The before pics are scary, to me. It’s weird how different I think I look in photos versus how I look in the mirror. I think when you see yourself every day in a mirror, it’s easy to convince yourself you look better than you do – and I already thought I was out of shape.

I remember a few years ago, back when Klay & I were doing the weightloss challenge, that I thought 213 was great – and for then, it was. I was down from 233. With changes in diet, I was able to drop the weight quickly, but because I didn’t develop good *habits*, I slowly put it back on again – where Klay had more discipline, and kept it off (and even hit a better goal). It’s been what, three years? Four years? Clearly, though I won the contest, I lost the challenge.

So this time, I’m taking a different approach. Yeah, P90X is an infomercial product. But I’ve got at least three people who swear by it, and since they’re people I trust, I figured I’d give it a shot. I miss doing some sort of exercise, but without a structured regimen, I’m useless. I’m also useless if I have to go out of the house to get said exercise, so honestly, P90X seems like the perfect fit. But I need to be more committed to it than I was to stuff like EA Sports Active (which I never felt was challenging *enough* to really feel like a solid workout).

Just as an aside, the biggest problem with EA Sports Active and Wii Fit is that the hardware isn’t up to the task. While the Wii Balance Board is an entertaining input device, it requires too much time-intensive calibration, and it can’t stand up to a solid beating, which is what a piece of workout gear needs to be able to do. It forces you to slow down the workout and be gentle about everything, and frankly, that’s not what I want.

Everyone I know who’s done P90X has the same thing to say – that the results are the primary motivator. You keep doing it because you feel better, and because you look better.

I suppose I’m gonna find out soon.

Lessee… What’ve we been up to? Jin had his 100th day celebration. There was much food and many friends, and everything was awesome.

Work’s going well – busy, but good. Productive. Some weird twists and turns on the new game that we’re making – mostly conceptual – but I think it’s going to be really strong. If we can pull it off, it’ll be epic.

Jin’s well. Healthy, happy – 95th percentile for height, 75th for weight. So he’s a skinny little bugger (despite his chipmunk cheeks), but well within normal parameters.

We’re now putting him to sleep in a crib that sits next to the bed. I was apparently waking him up a lot in my sleep. We’ve also gone back to swaddling him, since one of the reasons he wakes up the most is he keeps punching himself in his sleep.

He slept a pretty long uninterrupted stretch last night, and so tonight, hopefully he’ll do the same, and we’ll be able to get some solid sleep.

Been playing a game called Chime, which has actually dragged me away from Mass Effect 2 – it’s a music puzzler – a mix of Tetris & Lumines – that’s surprisingly addictive. The interaction with the music’s excellent, the puzzle mechanics are great, and it’s only $5. Better still, $3 of your purchase goes to charity.

And while I’m directing you to buy stuff, you should also pick up the This American Life iPhone app. For $3, you get streams of every show ever, and a whole bunch of extras and ways to search the content. It goes to support the show, so if you’ve ever listened to it, just get the damned thing already. Also – Ira Glass is apparently Phillip Glass’s cousin. Which provides the thematic connection, as Phillip Glass’s music is in Chime.

Fascinating!

What’s up? Not much, really. Work chugs along. Bebeh chugs along. Trying to get him on more of a schedule, but he’s all over the place. Most nights asleep by 10:30. I keep wanting a little “me” time, which keeps me up ’till midnight, which means 12-7’s all the sleep I get (he wakes up at 7 regardless of when he goes to sleep, it seems).

I’ve gotta train myself out of it, and just go to sleep when he does. Will come with time.

Been trying to eat breakfast every day. Alton Brown had a thing where he was making smoothies in the morning, and it sounded good, so I’ve been doing that, and it is good. Definitely getting something in the stomach first thing in the morning is good, but like going to sleep, something that’s taking some practice. So far, mango/peach/blueberry/pomegranate = the best combo. Tried blackberries, but too many seeds.

We’ve had raid of biblical proportions, and the downstairs is, thankfully, holding up a-ok. There’s one leak in the garage, but something that the contractor’s going to fix up. The crack in the upstairs window is also a problem, but a fixable, known, minor one.

Been watching Friday Night Lights. Great show. I’m not much for football, but it does remind me that there were a lot of moments in swimming/water polo where I really enjoyed competing with a team. Not a lot of time for that with bebeh around, but I wonder if I’d be able to get something like that at some point in the future…

Hrm. Anything else up? Been playing Army of Two: The 40th Day, which is a huge improvement over the first game. Looking forward to Mass Effect 2, but the chances that I’ll have time to play it any time soon? Zero.

Ha!

Anyway – things are good! The bebeh is awesome.

So, one of the things I’ve been thinking about recently, particularly with the new kid, is the difference in a relationship between how I perceive my own behaviour, and how someone else perceives the exact same things.

The thing that really comes to mind are moments in my own development when someone I had either thought highly of, or was in a certain position of either power or respect, said something, what kinds of things I’d latch onto.

It was often strange little things. An opinion about a band from someone who I thought was cool could get me to listen to a band I’d never otherwise have even considered. A small compliment at the right time by someone I respected, and I’d do *anything* for them. It’s not the big things, I don’t think – it’s not when someone sits you down and tells you what or how you should think – but it’s that certain people, in certain positions of my own social hierarchy, could tell me to do something and I’d do it.

And now, I wonder how much of that they were even aware of? I mean, it’s strange to me – I still think of myself as a schmoe, and I think that for the most part, people who interact with me for a while realize that, and take what I say with that certain schmoe-ness. But at the same time, if you just met me, I could conceivably sound pretty authoritative about certain subjects, and I know that I express certain opinions pretty strongly – in the kind of way that I think I responded to when I was younger. So I wonder how the kid will respond to me? What weird little offhand comments will have genuine weight, and shape his thinking, and what “meaningful” discussions slide right off.

I dunno. It’ll be weird finding out.

So, of course, things have been busy. The kid eats up a lot of time, and while I’d hoped to do a couple things this weekend, it was all a combination of kid & kid-related stuff.

We’d gotten a changing table from Ikea, but it became really clear that what we really needed were some things to store his clothes in. We’ve got a TON of clothes for the little guy, almost entirely gifts from friends and hand-me-downs, but given that we’re terrible at organizing our OWN clothes, trying to organize a bunch of baby clothes without a structured storage solution wasn’t working out so much.

So, picked up two dresser things from Ikea, assembled them, and organized a bunch of crap today. I think it’s a big improvement.

We’re also trying to use G Diapers during the day – the disposable inserts are biodegradable, and there are cloth inserts that you can also use (we have 12, which is not enough – probably need ~24 to be useful…).

The house is undergoing a pretty radical change. Our previous contractor’s incompetence has required us to basically completely tear off the front of the house and rebuild it, replacing all the rotten wood and reconstructing everything from the shear on up. Not a good time. Not good on the pocket book. That said, when it’s all said and done, the house is going to look AWESOME from the front.

Things at work are going well. We’ve got what I think is a really exciting new concept we’re working on, and Word Ace & Card Ace are getting some really important new features.

We printed up physical decks of Word Ace cards, which have almost completely sold out in less than two weeks. Fantastic, but a LOT of work getting them all shipped out.

Good times!

Tonight was one of the first times the burrito’s cried for a long time with no apparent reason. I burped him, fed him, changed him, bounced him over and over while he screamed bloody murder. It wasn’t even that long, but the biggest thing was the uncertainty – the “WTF IS GOING ON!?” feeling, since prior to this with very few exceptions, he cries for a very limited set of reasons, all of which are relatively easily addressed.

Then moments after the frustration peaked, he fell asleep. Guess he just doesn’t know how to go to sleep, but gets upset that he’s sleepy. What an idiot. 🙂

On the plus side, he had his first trips to places other than the pediatrician. Had brunch at Merritt with the usual crew, then demolished K in Street Fighter 4. 😀 After that, we headed over to A&T&a’s to meet the “a”, and then off to Bebeh’s R Us to check out a “glider” after Ei-Nyung really liked the one that A&T&a had.

Through all that, J handled it pretty well, so all told, there’s nothing to complain about if he’s frustrated for a couple hours in the evening. I know we’ve got it pretty good so far.

Tomorrow, the front of the house comes off, and we’ll probably find out how much damage these water leaks have caused. Good times.

So, bebeh’s now 1 month old, as of yesterday. It’s been an interesting month. Busy, tiring, frustrating, rewarding… all the things that everyone seems to say, and none of it really captures the feeling of it all.

I’ve been as tired as I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’ve found that with enough sleep, I can tolerate his cries for as long as need be, but with too little, I get really frustrated, and sadly, really angry, which is difficult, because I know that being angry doesn’t serve any purpose. But still, that’s part of the reaction, and learning to deal with it is part of the process.

We’re still trying to figure out how to get enough sleep to both be fully functional people, and it alternates. Last night, Ei-Nyung let me get a full, uninterrupted 9 hours of sleep. When I woke up, I nearly wept with gratitude. I wish I could do the same for her, but biology makes that a bit more difficult. Still, I do what I can.

It’s interesting watching him grow. He follows things, clearly, with his eyes. He looks at his reflection, though I have no idea what he’s thinking when he sees it. What a strange little guy. He’s sleeping now, in a sling, as I type this.

Some unsolicited advice for people who may be in a similar situation – the first month, when you’re dealing with a new addition to your family, the level of stress, of fatigue – they make everything more intense. You may feel euphoric after the slightest positive step, or you may become completely despondent over the smallest frustration. Anything that you introduce during this time is going to be heightened. If you have a poor relationship with your family or friends, now is not the time to try to mend those relationships, or even maintain them.

It’s been an interesting month. Seems like only yesterday it was just the two of us & the dog, yet also forever since he’s been here.

Tomorrow, scaffolding goes up in preparation for home repairs to hopefully fix the 8 years of leaking windows. Next week, the entire front of the house comes off. Let’s see how that goes. 🙂

Man. So, kid. Here. It’s been a couple of weeks, but things have been pretty busy. Ei-Nyung’s mom came out and helped out loads, cooking TONS of food, and hanging out with the new addition. After Ei-Nyung’s mom left, my parents showed up. My dad left for St. Petersburg a few days later, and my mom’s still here, helping out. She’ll be here for another week, and then it’s just us on our own.

It’s pretty strange, being a dad. Frustrating at times, satisfying at times, just crazy all around. People tell you that it can be really stressful, but even after taking a couple classes, you really don’t get the intensity of it all. Kid needs to eat 12, 15, or more times daily – as things ramp up, they eat a LOT – not much at any feeding, but a lot of times during the day. It’s exhausting, and the lack of sleep is a real problem.

Knowing that neither of us functions all that well under limited amounts of sleep, that was my biggest worry going in – and in the end, that fear was definitely justified. Keeping both of us rested enough that we don’t get really frustrated or upset has been one of the hardest thing.

The kid’s pretty good-natured so far. He cries when he’s hungry, gassy, or needs a change of diaper, but for the most part, he’s otherwise pretty laid back. Crying a bit more these days, and harder to get him to settle down, but still definitely bearable.

Woo. It’s all very strange. Still trying to settle in. Particularly getting back to work, definitely… whoo.

Happy, though. Kid’s healthy, growing and changing every day.

—

On a totally different note, Forza 3 = awesome. Dead Space: Extraction is fun, if simplistic, and looking forward to getting into Brutal Legend, Dragon Age, and Uncharted 2, among other things. Not that I’ll have the time, but hey. 🙂

To those that are waiting, no. No kid yet.

But an interesting thing happened last night. Pete came back. I mean, he’s been in the area for a little while, settling into his new place in Sacramento. But last night was the first time I’d seen him in a long time – couple years, maybe the first time we’ve seen him since the wedding? I don’t know. But it’s been a long time.

He was one of the few people I hung out with a lot when I was young. We spent time at my house, his house, played ping-pong, played the early Sierra adventure games, went to Berkeley together to play arcade games until we both had headaches… all kinds of things. We met, I think, in sixth grade. My first memory of him was in a vocal class? I think he was singing to himself, and I thought, “What a weird kid.”

But we became good friends – I’d consider him one of my very best. And so when I think about my youth, there are a handful of people that are part of that. Some that I’m still close with, some that I’m not. For the most part, I’ve either kept in close contact with the people I still care about, but Pete’s been a skipping stone in my life for the last 15 years.

We didn’t see each other that often, but when we did, it didn’t take much to catch up, and it never felt like any time had passed. Yet, we both changed. I met Ei-Nyung, started a career in game development, got married, bought a house, and am about to have a kid. He lived in New York, became a doctor and has had all manner of grand adventures in the time since (there are other interesting tidbits, but you’d have to ask him about them, as I won’t spoil them for you here).

So last night, we hung out. And it was like nothing’s changed. Well, that’s not right – obviously, lots has changed. But somehow, something flipped in my head last night. And I know this may be weird, but seeing Pete again – it felt like a bookend to my prolonged adolescence. My fear of the future disappeared. Fears about fatherhood, the changes that are coming in Ei-Nyung and my life, the changes that we’re all going to go through in the *next* 15 years… it became a sort of excitement and joy. And no, I can’t explain it.

But I look forward to meeting my son. I look forward to seeing him learn, and grow, and to watch him form the kinds of friendships that last a lifetime. I look forward to how Ei-Nyung and my relationship will change – one of the things that’s been good about our relationship is how we handle change, and growth – I fear the sleepless nights, and the stress – the inevitable arguments and conflict – but it’s *progress*. Towards a family – our family – surrounded by friends that I love deeply – towards the future, both in work, which has been incredible, and in life.

The last 15 years, for their little stresses and various challenges have been utterly spectacular. May the next 15 be as good.

So, it’s hard to comprehend the idea of impending fatherhood. It’s alternately exciting and horrifying, as I’m sure it is for most fathers-to-be. With some close friends already having taken the plunge, I’m glad to know that we’ll have people to rely on for a little experience and help. It’s still quite strange.

I was thinking what I would like to pass on to the child (it’s a ‘he’ if you don’t already know, and no, we don’t have a name yet – we’re not just not telling you), and the thing that kept coming to mind was simple, but also impossible to accurately convey:

“Know when to quit.”

WHOA! That’s a horrible thing to say, right? You should teach your kid to persevere, to work hard, to fight through things – that with dedication and hard work, anything is possible… right?

Well, no – I don’t think so. I mean, I’m not saying I *don’t* want to teach them dedication, hard work, perseverance – absolutely, I do. But a companion to that is to know what to focus their dedication, etc. etc. ON.

How do you explain to a kid that you should always, always work hard, try hard, stick to it, and not to give up, but also that some battles are not for you, that you can be passionate about many things, but that there is a limit, and your life might be better if you tried something else.

It seems like the kind of lesson that you learn only with experience, and an understanding of what you want in life, and how to achieve it – how to strip back the trappings of daily life, and to figure out what you really, really want, and how to let the other things go. Or how to not drive yourself crazy trying the impossible. After all, a lot of people who were great at things were also… crazy. And if they want to be great, maybe it requires a little craziness, in the end.

Maybe.

But maybe there’s also value in knowing how to focus your efforts to maximize the return. I mean, I like a lot of things. Some of which I still do, and some of which I simply don’t have time for – but finding the right balance is hard, because what you want to do and what you *can* simply don’t match up a good amount of the time.

I like cooking. A lot. But I find that one problem is that I’m ambitious. I want to cook something awesome. ALL THE TIME. And so what happens is that instead of an occasional simple meal, like a bowl of ramen, I’ll want to do something crazier, but never get to it because we don’t have the time or energy to devote that much to food preparation every night. So ingredients will go to waste, or we’ll put it off and order in, and eat worse in the end because it’s taken five years to realize that sometimes, it’s fine to just chill and make something at home that only takes five minutes.

It’s just a matter of finding balance. I know I can do almost anything if I put my mind to it, if I’m dedicated to it, if I try really hard. And for the things I realize I’m truly, deeply passionate about, I do all those things and more. But the ability to step back and say, “Maybe I don’t want this as much as I think I do,” not because you have to but because you can get that perspective…

It seems like that frees you to be great, rather than frustrated by good.