Fridge emptied, except for things like condiments that are better kept. Those get moved upstairs, and tomorrow, the fridge gets defrosted. Tomorrow, because it might rain tonight, and I don’t want to risk having it out in the rain. If the coils in the rear get wet, they’ll rust. Still, one step closer. The title of the last post still sadly reflects my feeling that I do a reasonable number of things ok, but virtually nothing “well” – I can draw, sort of – I can play a couple instruments competantly, I think I’m pretty good at what I do professionally, and I can cook decently, given the time to do so. But I’ve never, ever been “exceptional” at anything, even when I devoted myself almost entirely to it. I drew constantly while growing up, and still was never able to really get things down onto the page that I felt were good. Probably in part due to a lack of training, though certainly not due to a lack of practice.

Swimming, too – I devoted myself to that fiercely – not as fiercely as some – but that’s in part because of the same sort of lack of focus and singleminded dedication that causes this inability to really *succeed* at most things. I guess it’s in some measure, an inability to concentrate on one thing for the extended period of time needed to really master something. If you can get 95% of the way there with modest effort, and you need 98% of the way there to be great, and 99-100% to be extraordinary, I think I can consistently get to 96%, in things that I’m somewhat interested in, and maybe even 97%, with things that I’m passionately interested in. But that 1% that’s missing, I find myself systematically unable to accomplish.

Whether I don’t try at all, or I devote myself as much as I can to it, I can’t really ever seem to bridge that gap. I dunno – is that what an egotistical slacker would say? Maybe – sort of sounds like it. Ah, I’d be great, if only…

I suppose in some sense, it really is a cop-out, and it is a sort of ego-driven thing – I’d be good, if only – though I know that the “if only” is a failing or a lack of something *in me* and not some circumstance of the outside world. If I knew what I wanted, and was really, genuinely willing to devote myself to it 100%, I fear that I would still be at best ok, and never extraordinary. Very few people ever are extraordinary, I suppose – maybe it’s that my grandfather trule was extraordinary, and my father is damn close, if not there already. He’s a wacky guy, my dad – sometimes, I think he’s a bit of a nut, other times, I’m astounded at the vast wealth of knowledge and wisdom he possesses. My mom, even, has some extraordinary talents – she’s maniacally devoted to things she’s interested in, is a great cook, and has a very keen eye for quality and taste.

So, maybe I figure in some respect, I’ll just never measure up, so if I presume that there’s something in the way of me ever achieving anything really extraordinary, it’ll be much easier to just say, well, “if only…”

If that’s the case, then my attitude should change. Why be afraid that I’ll never measure up? Certainly, I won’t – I’ll never be, at 29, a match for my dad, who’s been around the block many more times than me. I’m not likely to form my own entire field of research, like my grandfather, but that’s not exactly something that happens every day regardless. All I can be is the best I can be – and if I’m going to sit here whinging about how I’m not already great … well. That’s pretty stupid. 🙂

I always thought that I’d never want to go back to school – that I could teach myself anything I wanted to know. Maybe that’s true, but that’s not really the *point*. I need the structure, and I need the time blocked out to devote to learning – to improving whatever it is that I’d like to want to improve. Maybe that’s part of the path. Who knows?

Hm. Interesting, how this “thinking aloud” thing works. Ha! I bet I sound like a crazed, egomanical wanker. (reads post) … haha! Indeed. Well… let’s see what happens next.