Maybe I’ve been watching too much Keith Olbermann, but about halfway through reading David Freeman’s book on bringing emotion to games (I’m not going to use the title of the book, or his trademark phrase, which I think is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read), what went through my mind was that this is one of the worst books ever written.

I mean, it’s a book on writing. The whole *point* of the book is, in theory, how to make compelling characters, and how to write about those characters in a way that’s compelling to the reader. He focuses on his “techniques” for creating interesting or “deep” characters, though I loathe to say so, because I don’t think the guy has a goddamn clue in his head about what makes a character deep OR interesting.

He basically says that a character has anywhere from 3 to 5 major traits – he calls these character diamonds, because normally, most of his characters have four major traits. Something like “dry humor” might be a trait. “Depressed” might be another. So, he’s basically taken his characters, and reduced them to four major bullet points. That’s “interesting.” Not. He talks about his techniques for “deepening” characters, like showing sisters who have common traits, or common knowledge, or can (god help me) finish each other’s sentences! It’s so clever, it makes me want to shoot myself in the EYEBALLS.

He talks about making groups have similar traits, so that you might make them “deeper,” like have a group of cavemen have a worldview that might be spiritual, instead of scientific, in a way that might be more spiritually “true” than the modern, scientific worldview. Ohymygod! Genius! He said one way of making a group “deeper” would be to give them characteristics like “nobility,” which he elaborates on by saying, “Maybe they could carry themselves in some sort of noble way.” I shit you not. This, in a $50 book about writing.

I’ve written one really crappy “novel.” 50,000 words in 16 days. I’m a better writer than this guy will ever be. His notion that one can break down the act of creating compelling characters and dialog into a fistful of trite, simple rules that are accessible to anyone is stupid beyond belief, and what’s STUPIDER beyond belief is that he has a whole consulting group that people PAY. THIS IS INSANE. Has no one who’s ever hired him ACTUALLY READ HIS BOOK?!?!?!

The writing examples contained within it INSTANTLY disqualify him from ever writing about writing in ANY medium, games or otherwise. The guy writes like a goddamn fifth grader. A practically illiterate goddamned fifth grader. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.