So, someone on a friend’s blog (I think) mentioned that they thought the reason that so many vitriolic homophobes are gay is that it’s because they feel an inner conflict, and thus, feel like everyone else must feel that inner conflict, as well. I realize that it’s probably patently obvious to most people, but that really made me think about the whole situation in a new way.

Just to put things into context, I have a number of gay friends. Had gay housemates in college. I have absolutely no qualms with gayness, gay people, or the acts involved when one is gay. However, I’m not gay myself, and haven’t ever even really been particularly curious to explore.

But that’s the thing – I’ve been exposed to the *option* of gayness, and pretty quickly thought, you know, that’s not for me. But, this really got me to thinking – I often map my own desires, motivations, view of the world onto other people. Makes it sometimes difficult to understand why someone might say, be racist. Just seems weird to me, since I’m mixed race, I never even really had say, a mental option of saying that one race is superior to another. How the hell would I know? So I have a hard time really truly understanding what a racist person really thinks. It’s just a foreign thought process.

Similarly, I can’t really imagine a thought process that involves denouncing homosexuals, as though it’s a genuinely serious problems. See, I can imagine say, at the time, thinking that Nazis were a big problem. That something should be done about that, since it’s actually a pretty pressing issue. But homosexuality is even in the top 10 these days, with all that’s going on in the world? Who thinks like that?

And so it occurred to me, after reading this thought, wherever it was, that yes, that sounds right. Someone who thinks, in these times, that gayness is somehow on par with the Middle East, or the corruption in our government, or the growing class division, or the economy as a whole, or how lame mainstream music has become, or frankly, anything, is something I have a hard time wrapping my head around, because it’s not something I’m confronted with every day. It’s not something I wake up and think about on a personal level, any more than I wake up in the morning and think that I’m half-Asian. Doesn’t occur to me.

But it *does* occur to some people. They wake up in the morning, and think to themselves, “I hate fags. God hates fags,” and then they think that it’s important enough that they have to go prosletyze to the rest of the world, that they should all hate fags too. These are people who have some sort of internal struggle with the concept, every day. They think about sexuality, and they see the presence of gays as a threat to them.

Let’s just toss out the Biblical verses some of these chumps use to support their cause, ’cause even if you believe in that stuff, there’s a whole lot in there that’s more condemned than gayness. Like, say, war, or murder, or theivery, or adultery, or divorce, or any number of other things. So, even if you believe in it, gayness ain’t the main problem you should really be rallying against, if you’re genuinely going in order of priority.

Why would a gay person be a threat to someone, in this modern age? When, frankly, was the last time that you saw a gay couple openly doing something that felt or seemed like a threat to you? Pride, maybe, if you’re really easily threatened? But if you find that a threat, doesn’t that imply that you’re susceptible to the *potential* to suddenly, out of nowhere, get all queered up?

To me, that’s ludicrous. Seeing a bunch of men in chaps doesn’t change my lack of desire to fall in love with another man. Just doesn’t. So, yeah. That’s the only point, really. If you feel like somehow, the presence of gays is a threat to you, the *only* reasonable reason is simply that you’re gay, and you don’t want to admit it, because maybe you were brought up to think it was wrong. Get over it, but deal with it yourself. Stop fucking up other people’s lives, ’cause you’re ashamed of who you are.

And yes, Mr. Santorum, I’m looking at you.

Finished the simple task of culling my “nostalgia” t-shirts from the closet – stuff I never, ever wear, or wear, but is really shabby, but keep for nostalgic reasons, then took Mobius for a walk around the lake, with Ei-Nyung, as the clock passed midnight. A satisfying way to start the new year, with a bit of organization, and physical activity.

It strikes me now how much I sound like Calvin’s (of Calvin & Hobbes) father – “Builds character!” I suppose that’s one of the signs of getting older, but still, ick. 😀

So, it’s more of a set of tasks, but hopefully, dated tasks will effect resolution-like change:

Health:
1.) Any meals purchased from the cafe downstairs at work will be split in two, half of which will be saved for the next day.
2.) Exercise at home at least twice a week, if successful, monthly rewards will be applied.
3.) Lose 10 lbs. by wedding, so as not to look like a fatass in pictures. Develop an stick to a schedule to do so. (see step 2, above)
4.) Strengthen knee, prior to the honeymoon, that walking around London or Paris is not problematic (min. 5K on a treadmill in one go)

Games:
1.) Play “good” games to completion
2.) Borrow more games from the IRC, instead of purchasing games, unless an understanding of the game requires extensive play, or immediate availability.
3.) When I know that I am not likely to finish a game, anymore, put it away, so it does not clutter public space. Consider selling, or trading it.
4.) Only ONE new console purchase this year, unless required by work.

Computer:
1.) Don’t spend so much time at home on the computer.

Mornings:
1.) Do not use the computer before leaving for work, for more than 10 minutes.

TV:
1.) No more than an hour of TV per day – real time, not TiVo time. (excluding games and movies)

Movies:
1.) Watch 1 movie per month that we already own, but haven’t yet seen.
2.) Only purchase movies I know I will watch more than five times in three years.

Rowing Machine:
1.) Fix Clutch
2.) Use

Stuff:
2.) Recycle magazines that are more than two months old.
3.) Host a garage sale in June, after purging unwanted items from the garage
4.) Donate *all* unused or old computer equipment by the time we have the garage sale.
5.) Move books from my parents’ house to my house, and organize in bookshelves by end of January.
6.) Sell or donate board games we no longer play (by end of February)
7.) Purge kitchen (again) by end of February

Clothing:
1.) Box up “nostalgic” shirts that I no longer wear regularly (TEP, water polo, etc.) to keep as souvenirs, so they do not take up closet space (by Jan. 3).
2.) Purge closet of worn or unused clothing on a monthly basis
3.) When clothing develops holes, or excessive wear, stop wearing that article of clothing. Donate, throw out, or patch, as necessary.
4.) Purchase no new t-shirts this year (you have enough already)

House:
1.) Lawn – demolish front lawn & cover with ground cover (mulch, moss, whatever) by end of February!
2.) Put up interior trim in finished rooms
3.) Put up vent cover on exposed vents in downstairs living room
4.) Get upstairs drywall done (after roof leaks are fixed)
5.) Get roofer to fix roof leaks in front of house
6.) Do laundry at least twice a week
7.) Put up “point system” chore board by Jan. 10th

Creative:
1.) Work at developing one skill, equivalent to the effort required for NaNoWriMo (music, writing, painting, cooking, drawing, etc.)
2.) Do at least one editing pass on last year’s NaNo project, format for book form, and get it printed (two copies for archiving, one for use)

Cooking:
1.) Cook at home every weekend day, with three meals as exceptions per month.
2.) Create a “cookbook” at home, listing recipes that we know work, organized by how long it takes to cook them. Create a means to generate quick recipe lists, based on what we already have in the house on a regular basis.
2a.) Try using the Jornada, which we never use, for task 2, by end of January
3.) Create recipes that “work together” to use ingredients. i.e.: If chicken comes in packages of 8 thighs, and a recipe uses 5, have a recipe ready that uses 3.
4.) Once a month, buy an ingredient I’ve never bought before, and cook with it.

Relationships:
1.) See my mother at least once a month for non-dog related reasons.
2.) Call my father once a month, for non-work, or mother related reasons.
3.) Call my cousin once a month.
4.) See Aneel and Dave once every three months each.
5.) Create a “scheduled social event” that occurs once every three weeks, in the city, at the same location, and time every time it occurs.

Work:
1.) Understand what is necessary to achieve a “Lead Designer” position, and develop a plan to get to that position within the next two years.
2.) Continue to progress at the same ridiculous, and sort of absurd rate I have been over the last two years.
3.) Don’t get complacent, or negative.
4.) Determine whether I’m going to stay at Maxis, or look for another opportunity elsewhere, and then follow through with that decision wholeheartedly (by two weeks after performance review)
5.) Understand that I am a game designer, and stop second-guessing myself.

Mobius:
1.) Take Mobius out every weekend for an “event,” such as a trip to the beach, or the dog walk, Point Isabelle, Anza, or Temescal.

Wedding:
1.) Find an officiant by Jan. 20th.
2.) Schedule a tasting by Jan. 20th.

Other:
1.) Use the photo printer to print out, and album-ize photos from the last four years, to prevent loss if hard drive explodes.
2.) Put this list of resolutions into Outlook, with alerts that provide enough time to complete the tasks (by Jan. 3)

This isn’t a general “year in review” thing – it’s basically just a summary of what happened to me this year. If you’re not interested in that sort of thing, there’s nothing here worth reading.

1.) Last year’s new year’s resolutions: 2/3 ain’t bad, but the one that I missed is one that regards my personal health, which sort of sucks. The two I succeeded in were: get design input at work, and undertake a large creative project outside of work. The one I failed was: lose 14 lbs.

2.) House: There have been a *lot* of incremental improvements to the house this year, including finishing two rooms (the two rightmost rooms in the upstairs), upending the front yard (though that’s still incomplete), different housemates (a very, very good, very compatible combination), major reorg of the house (we moved upstairs again), and a lot of relatively minor organizational issues that got solved. Feels like progress. There are still water leaks in the front of the house, but that problem has been apparently traced pretty definitively to the roof, which is the single biggest piece of progress we’ve seen on the issue since the beginning. It looks like two of the windows downstairs have stopped leaking, while the one that I would have “expected” not to have been fixed was indeed not fixed. Last night, two upstairs windows sprung leaks, but that wasn’t entirely out of the realm of reasonability, given the fixes to the roof last year, and the utter insanity of the rain last night.

Still, overall, it looks like that problem is down to the home stretch, and if that gets fixed, the level of stress in my life during the winter will decrease so dramatically as to have felt like a physical thing.

3.) Physical Fitness: Hoo boy. This, as noted above, was the resolution last year I didn’t hold to, and it’s becoming a serious issue. I’m now ~230lbs, and that’s probably 20 lbs above where I look reasonable, and 30 over where I “should” be. This year, I’m going to try a different approach. Reasonably, it’s not likely I’ll be getting substantially more exercise (though that will be a focal point) – the major focus is going to be on eating less. Portion control, plain and simple. Lunch, for instance, always consists of X amount of food, which is invariably more than I need for lunch, but I eat it anyway because I don’t want it to go to waste. Which is stupid, since I have a fridge at work, and I can just refrigerate what I don’t eat, and eat it the next day. So, I’m writing down a list of things to do, and printing it up, and posting it at my desk, so that I just see a visible reminder of it on a daily basis.

4.) Hobbies: I’d gotten a bit too videogame-focused in my hobbies over the last couple years, and hadn’t really done anything creative outside of that, except for a few paintings. This year, I did a painting of a good friend, for her wedding gift, and participated in the National Novel Writing Month, which resulted in a 50K word story, that was based on a concept that a couple of us had been developing as the plot for an RPG. Turned out much better than I’d expected (we’re NOT talking “good” by any stretch, just better than I’d thought), and showed me that writing is both an accessible, and really entertaining thing to do. Definitely participating next year, if for no other reason than to finish up the story I started this year. Also learned I can sort of sing & play guitar at the same time, which I thought previously was more or less impossible. Again, not well, but enough to know that it’s an entertaining process.

5.) Work: It looks like I’m officially a ‘game designer’ now, and not a hybrid. My credit on Sims 2 was ‘game designer,’ so when management switched over to the new team, that seems to have been what stuck. Which is quite good, for me. It looks like this year’s going to be a rough process. People are, by and large, frustrated, and the new management really failed to make the transition properly. As a result, a lot of people’s feelings got hurt, or screwed outright, and the team’s basically almost falling apart. We’ll see how things shake out, but it’s not a promising start. Still, it looked to be on the upswing at the end of the year, and hopefully, things start on the same vector.

6.) Other stuff: I think this year, I really learned a lot about dealing with people, understanding conflicts, and being able to look at personal and personality issues with a bit of a better understanding as to what’s going on, and where the conflict comes from. It’s been a process that I’ve had to develop both in work, and out of it, and I think I’m getting reasonably good at it, which is strange, because thinking back, I *was* really good at it in high school, when I needed to be, then for years, it was simply not a skill I spent any time developing. Sort of like most of my skills, once I got to college. Alas.

7.) Friends, Family, Etc.: This has been a pretty substantial year, due to (6), and it’s fundamentally altered my understanding of what I want out of a long-term relationship, and also, how I relate to a lot of other people in my life. Not in a bad way, for the most part, though I do realize that my tolerance for things I don’t like is very, very low, simply because I have *so much* in my life that is literally perfect – I wouldn’t change a thing about 95% of my daily experience with people outside of work. So, I get really irritable about small crap that makes no difference, simply because I’m not used to being irritated by it. Hopefully, that understanding turns into a little bit more acceptance and forgiveness of the things that do bother me, but that’s an active process I need to work on.

8.) Health: Found I’m suceptible to asthmatic bronchitis, in the midst of hayfever season. Nothing like a cough that’s so intense it keeps you from sleeping properly for a week, and sends you to the emergency room twice in the span of a week. Drugs, fortunately, helped quite a bit, but I worry it’ll be a consistent, sort of annual event. I hope not, but we’ll find out this year. Definitely one of the reasons I’ve spent so much time mauling the front yard in recent months.

9.) Death: This year, for the first time, a good friend of mine died. I’ve had friends of the family, and people I’ve known die, but no one I’ve been as close to as Kevin. The event put a lot of things into perspective for me – brought back the feelings of, “what do I want to have contributed to the world, once I’m gone,” sort of feelings that I had often as a child, but much less so, now that I’m in the day-to-day groove of adult life. Kevin was a artist, though I only ever knew him as a hacker, but his art was stunning, and really forced a change in perspective for me. At work, I’ve been essentially designing what’s been “needed,” but what I want to do is design something that changes the way people think about games. Something that shakes them up, and makes them look at their life in a different way. I don’t know what that is, yet, but if I find it, I’ve got Kevin to thank for lighting the way.

Hrm. I’m sure there’s a crapload of stuff I’m forgetting, but it’s become sort of uninteresting to most people enough, for now. 😀

Yes, that image forks my blog format. No, I’m not going to change it. 😀

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Went out this afternoon, after playing some PGR3 with A_B, grabbed a shovel, and mauled the front yard. After I was done, I wanted to get up on the roof and shout, “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!” for no other reason than I was just completely hosed with adrenaline. I probably could have picked up a car, or been shot, and nothing would have brought me down.

It’s not done yet, but since it’s been raining recently, and hasn’t rained steadily in about two days, the dirt was *perfect* for what I needed to do. Not so sticky or muddy that it made getting around impossible (though it was difficult), and soft – soft like mashed potatoes soft. Really easy to move around. So, I dug up all the bulbs in the front yard, buried the stump I chopped up about a month ago, and dug out most of one of the two remaining stumps that needs digging out. I moved an absolute shitload of dirt, though, and the difference in apperance is pretty stunning. (yes, I know that’s all irrelevant without pictures) It’s difficult, though, because what I need to do is kill the grass. Which means basically killing *everything* in the yard, then laying down mulch on top of the whole thing.

It’s difficult because the soil’s so rich, and time available to work is rare enough that every time, I’m starting from about two giant steps back. I’ll turn over half the yard, and in a week, things are sprouting again. So, I fight the larger things, like the stump, and the bulbs – things I know I can remove, and they won’t grow back, and figure that the grass, clover, and other odd plants, for the time being, are battles I can’t win. But, I’m also “shaping” the garden, in the sense that I’ve finally buried the French Drain pipe (which has always stuck up a bit out of the ground), and have pulled some of the dirt up the hill, and filled in a big sort of “pit” adjacent to our neighbor’s garage, so that the slope of the hill more or less matches the slope of their foundation, which is how it should be (and was, before our previous neighbors had excavated the area to replace the foundation for their garage.

So, it’s still a slow process, and a crapload of work, but man, the rush of adrenaline after churning through it for about an hour and some was just awesome. Felt great – satisfying, productive, and physically awesome. I’m really out of shape, but it was really good to just do something, exercise the muscles, and make progress on a project at the same time. Great stuff.

Four jobs you’ve had in your life: Lifeguard, Programmer, Mechanical Engineer, Game Designer

Four movies you could watch over and over: Memento, Blade Runner, Reservoir Dogs, The Princess Bride

Four places you’ve lived: Oakland, CA, Piedmont, CA, Boston, MA, Santa Monica, CA

Four TV shows you love to watch: Top Gear, Brainiac, Good Eats, The Simpsons

Four places you’ve been on vacation: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, Osaka, Japan, Seoul, Korea, Helsinki, Finland

Four websites you visit daily: news.google.com, gamespot.com, kotaku.com, atrios.blogspot.com

Four of your favorite foods: Sushi, burritos, japanese-style curry, ice cream

Four places you’d rather be: Tahoe, the beach, walking the dog in a park somewhere, sitting on the couch playing games with friends

Four albums you (like a lot): God Fodder (Ned’s Atomic Dustbin), American Idiot (Green Day), Exit Planet Dust (The Chemical Brothers), No One’s Really Beautiful (Jude)

Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Ok? Let’s be clear on that point. He’s a fairy tale, just like the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and many other wacky creations people have made up over the years. I’ll stay away from the obviously inflammatory followup to that.

But I simply don’t get why people get upset when their kids are told Santa doesn’t exist. I just read a CNN article about how a recent episode of Everybody Hates Chris “gives away” that Santa doesn’t exist. You know what? I don’t give a flying fuck.

Why do we tell our children lies, and get upset when those lies are revealed? Do we not want them to know the truth? Do we not want them to understand the difference between reality and fantasy? Can a child not live a rich, full fantasy life and not understand that it’s just that, fantasy?

When I built spaceships out of my old living room chairs, when I was eight, did I think it was real? Did I enjoy the process any less? Just because you, parent, have become some sort of deluded cynical shithead that you think that for your child to be entertained, they need to believe the lies are real, think about what you’re saying, for a moment.

You’re saying that you explicitly want to lie to your child, to obfuscate the distinction between what is real, and what is not, and you’re getting *upset* when the lie is revealed, and the child is shown the truth.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Can someone explain to me why the wiretapping, on top of *all* the other crap that’s come to light recently, isn’t so obviously grounds for impeachment that proceedings haven’t *already* started?

Bueller?